Dismissing the Hurt

It's hard to find a starting point when discussing a topic that is difficult for me. I've always had a deep appreciation for genuine people. I often consider myself to be very real & honest, but lately I've seen that maybe that's not so true. Being real doesn't mean you have the freedom to say whatever comes to your mind. The bible states how evil the tongue can be. What being real/genuine means to me is being able to share your faults with others. It means sharing our struggles so that others may help us along. This requires humility and an open heart. I feel like our churches could use some genuine fellowship. It's not painting the perfect Christian picture for others to see. It's about showing the ugly & then giving the glory to God because He is our hope! So here it goes. An attempt for me to share a struggle that is occurring in my life. I'm not sharing this to complain or receive sympathy. I'm sharing so one day when the Lord reveals His purpose, I may yell, "Glory to God!!!"

As some know, I had 2 very difficult pregnancies. It was the most miserable months of my life. I had Cholestasis with Lucas who is now 4 and Tachycardia with Lilly Belle who is now 2. Lucas was induced 3 weeks early to prevent still birth. I was on bed rest with Lilly Belle for 4 weeks and then had to have a C-section to prevent my heart from failing during labor. Those were the serious issues, but I also had horrible sickness throughout. So at the advice of others and myself I had my tubes tied immediately after the birth of Lilly Belle. And although I didn't realize it then, a depression began deep inside. I had failed at doing what a woman was created to do. But instead of sharing this view I became hardened and calloused. I told others that I was glad. I never wanted to be pregnant again. I jokingly said, "2 and threw!" But the truth is I didn't want ANYONE to know that I was hurting so badly. I let this hurt grow into bitterness. I see pregnant women, and I joke that I'm lucky I'm not them. But deep down....I wish I were. Why did I not share my true feelings? Because I know exactly what many will say in hopes of encouraging me. I'm sure you've even thought it yourself.
"You are so blessed to have 2 BEAUTIFUL children. Some can't even have one."
And there it is. My hurt is dismissed. We do this so often to others. What we must realize is that we can't fix someone's hurt. Only God can. But we can pray and show love. I kept Josh from this truth until just this week. I never talked to him about it because I felt he just wouldn't understand.

I bought a prayer journal a few weeks ago that I've called my adoption prayer journal. Josh and I both have a heart to adopt. I've thought about it even before my kids were born. It's through this prayer journal that the Lord is healing me. He's revealing His purpose bit by bit. I'm not meant to be pregnant again. It's not His purpose for me even though my heart wants 4 or 5 kids. But what He's showing me is that I haven't failed. I continue to struggle with hopelessness even in adopting. Living on one income and barely making ends meet doesn't exactly allow us to go adopt a child tomorrow. We must wait on The Lord. We must seek Him so that He receives the glory. We must learn to depend on His Word and His love. Josh & I both know that God has something extraordinary planned for us. We feel it. We want it. We want to go wherever He leads us. It's in this season of waiting that the enemy attacks. He fills me with doubt & worry. I have days where I even feel like I'm not even being a good mom to the 2 I have. How could I have more? But as soon as I ask that question, the Lord reminds me. It's Him who gives me strength. I feel relieved just typing this all out. Even if no one reads this, one day I'll be able to go back and KNOW that the Lord is faithful.

A season of growth...

Well I've been a stay at home mom for almost 2 months now! The weeks seem to fly by. I can say without a doubt that I have no regrets. I am enjoying this time so much that I'm afraid I'll wake in the morning to see that it's all been a dream. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not constantly wearing an apron with cookies baking in the oven pushing a vacuum cleaner while my kids are coloring a Picasso like picture. I do not put make up on every morning or even shower for that matter. I have accepted the fact that I will ALWAYS have laundry to do. And I do not do yoga after I've had my coffee and read the latest on current events. The dream I'm talking about is being available to my children 100%. I'm here to teach them the ways of the Lord. And in order to do that, I must know those ways. I have been able to spend time in His Word daily, and I have learned there is nothing more precious than that. The Bible is how we can draw closer to our Heavenly Father. I enjoy being in His Word now more than I ever have before. I am learning what it means to find satisfaction in Him. It's a wonderful release to no longer care about the ways of this world (this is however, a constant battle) But to focus on what pleases the Lord instead of man. As fall begins, I find my season in life being as dramatic as the trees around us. It seems like a slow process...the air becomes a little cooler, the leaves slowly begin changing, a few begin to fall. But then you look outside one morning and BAM, the leaves are orange, red, and yellow. You have to dig the jacket out of the closet before going outside and all of sudden, socks are back on your feet. This is where I am...I can feel the slow change, the desire to trust in Him more & more, the craving for His word. And I imagine this is when the Holy Spirit comes to "fill" you up. He falls upon you and BAM, you are changed by His power and ready to give glory to God to fulfill His purpose in you. My prayer is to be able to hear His word, receive it, and make it known to many.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1:8

Just Give Me Jesus

Well it looks like the last time I blogged was about 2 years ago. Which makes perfect sense considering how busy our lives have been. Too busy in fact. We moved down to Little Rock with the hopes of change...Josh found a new job that gave him weekends and holidays off. Can I get a Hallelujah! I found a job that allowed Lucas to go the same school I taught at and therefore, see him during my work day. I loved my students and my coworkers. Lilly Belle was able to stay with my Mother-in-law so I knew she was always being cared for when I was working. It sounds wonderful. But one thing was missing. I was too busy for the one who craved my affection more than any other. I was too busy to spend time in His word. Too busy to ask Him what He wanted me to do. Too busy/exhausted to notice others around me. I was consumed with my world. And forgive me if I offend anyone, but I just don't feel that's how God has called us to live. We are to live for one purpose. And that is to bring glory to Him. I am here to serve him. Josh and I attended a marriage conference in March, and it was there that we both felt the Lord telling us that I had to quit my job. I had felt that for about a year, but it just wasn't possible. Even after the conference, I continued to fight against what my heart was leading me to do. It just didn't make any sense financially and it still doesn't. God somehow opened the door for me to discuss it with my boss and after much prayer and time spent in His Word, we decided to FOLLOW. Jesus says, "Follow Me." 2 Simple words. One HUGE command. There will be much to sacrifice according to the world, but much more to gain in Christ. My title is my biggest desire. You can have the nice cars, the expensive clothes, the newest gadgets...JUST GIVE ME JESUS. I'm starting to blog again (3rd times the charm right?) in hopes to share God's glory in this journey. There will be some tough times ahead, I'm sure of it. But it is in those times God strengthens our faith and draws us closer to Him. There is no greater place to be. Your prayers are much appreciated as we begin this chapter. I have one week left of teaching, and I can feel the anxiety trying to take over. So my prayer is this....In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus. You can have all this world. Just give me Jesus.

Just call us CRAZY!

Hmm...where to begin? Our life has been a tad bit chaotic the past few weeks to say the least. It all began with a trip to Little Rock at the end of July. We all went down for a week to spend time with family & friends. Josh has been applying for jobs here in Bville and a little bit in Little Rock. Before I got pregnant with Lilly Belle Josh had been applying all over and the plan was to wait till Josh had a new job before trying for our 2nd child. Well obviously God had MUCH different plans in store for us. About a week after that plan was discussed I found out I was pregnant! So the job searching was put on hold, again. Well it's started back up and the idea of living in Little Rock continued to come up in conversation. Our college friends live there and words can't describe just how much we've missed them and have wanted our kids to know them. Josh's family lives down there also so our support group down there is amazing. Anyway, after a weekend trip to the lake with our friends we seriously began discussing the move...how & when? Josh began thinking of all his connections he could use to try and find a job as soon as possible. I began thinking.."hold on, if you find a job in let's say, a few months, I'm a teacher so finding a job in October is a little slim." So I thought for "fun" I'd just look around the Little Rock area. Josh's aunt then told me about a job with ACCESS schools. I'd never heard of it but thought what the heck. Nothing to lose. So I typed my resume up in about 15 minutes on a Sunday night, again...just for "fun." I emailed my resume on Monday thinking I probably woudln't even hear back. Well I got a call on Tuesday and the interview was set up on Wednesday!!! I was in shock. I thought about cancelling the interview because this was just crazy but decided it would at least give me a connection if we moved down in the future. I remember telling Josh, "Worst case scenario is I love it." Yup...I LOVED IT! When I met my boss I knew I was in trouble. She was super easy to talk to and came across so genuine. She talked about ACCESS with such pride that I could tell this was a very special place. She gave me a tour and at the end of the interview offered me the job right then. I was speechless. I was upfront with her about my situation and even told her my worst case scenario thought. I had 5 days to give her my answer. The majority of the next 5 days were full of prayer and more prayer. I cried A LOT. This was a life changing decision. I do believe I knew in my heart what my answer was the second she offered me the job. I knew God had opened this door but I had to battle it out loud for a few days. This wasn't an easy decision because of what I was leaving. My family lives here and my mom is my BEST friend. She is an AMAZING grandma and I just couldn't see myself leaving her. I also have a wonderful group of friends here and started debating if it was really worth it. That's when God said stop. Stop thinking, stop debating, stop weighing the pros and cons...and JUST DO. So that's what I did...I just went into action mode. I didn't even say many goodbye's because I was afraid I couldn't handle it and would change my mind. On Monday I accepted the job, which is teaching 4 & 5 yr. olds who have special needs. I then called my former boss. This was also very hard. I think God knew it was time for me to leave Vista because it was such an emotionally draining job and I dearly loved my students. I also loved my bosses. They were 2 wonderful ladies who loved God, loved me, and helped me a lot as a first year teacher. My boss cried on the phone, and this broke my heart. But I was very thankful it all ended on great terms. I hung up and that's when the real emotions of it all set it. I began questioning it all but then God said STOP. So I stopped and dove right back into action mode. There was sooooo much to be done.  I packed boxes, contacted a realtor to put our house up for rent, and tried to figure out how all this would work. Josh's parents came on Saturday and we loaded up the trailer and the kids and I headed down to Little Rock after a much tearful goodbye to Josh and my mom. Josh is still in Bville for the time being until his job can transfer him or until he finds a new job. Whatever God's plan may be. To make everything a lil crazier, I had to have my gallbladder removed last week, 2 days after I started my new job. The surgery had been scheduled the previous week but I had cancelled it due to the move. But after a horrible attack I had to drive back to Bville last week but I'm thinking the timing was perfect. It was before school had started and I got to see my hubs and mom even sooner than expected. I was then able to drive back down to Little Rock with my husband because he had 4 days off so it all kinda worked out. "Work week" was crazy getting my class ready for school but it was also fun. I got to know the people I will be working with and I'm so happy to say that I absolutley love them! It's going to be such a fun year!! I'm excited for what God has planned, but the anxiety still sets in from time to time. I have my crying meltdown, panic attacks, moments where I want to retreat to a cave and never come out. But thankfully the Lord is there for me in those times. He pulls me back up, carries me when needed, and even gives me a strong push at times. So this is our life as of now: me and my 2 kids live with Josh's family in Jacksonville. Josh lives in Bville in our house until it leases. Hopefully by October he will be down with us. We travel back and forth when we can. We have no idea how or when all of it will work out..but we have to trust in God that it will. That's all we can do. I believe God has us go through this because it really does bring us closer to Him. Where's the fun if it all worked out immediately, right? Sorry this was soooo long but I wanted to type it out for my own benefit. I hope to look back on this entry at some point and laugh saying, "oh, remember when?" I dream about that day often. I'm gonna end with the verse that I've heard countless times but now cling to.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Surprise!

A few weeks ago the kiddos and I went down to Little Rock to surprise Nana. She had been in Bali and her birthday was the day before she got back so we thought a lil surprise at the airport would be fun. I totally wish I had been videoing it instead of taking pictures bc the audio would have been great. She screamed so loud. It was priceless. (I'm just now able to post this bc I was able to recover the pics that I thought were deleted. Yea!)

Lucas being sneaky and running up behind her.

She was in shock.

Big hugs for Lucas. He loves his Nana and she loves her Lucas.

Love from Lilly Belle too.

Happy Birthday Nana!!!

Let Them Be Little

Anytime I am feeling overwhelmed or let's be extrememly honest, seeing my friends that have no children able to do whatever they want whenever they want (like going to a movie, one day..haha) I listen to this song. Whenever I hear this song, I am 100% ready to go play choo-choo trains, kiss boo boo's, watch Handy Manny, prepare a bottle, change a diaper, hunt for a paci, play ball, etc. I'm a honest, tell it like it is person and I'll be honest when saying parenting isn't always rainbows and butterflies. As a mom, I want to be supermom and always have it together but that's just not how it is. I've cried many many times and wondered if there was a light at the end of this newborn/toddler tunnel. But one of the amazing things about being a mom is that not even 10 minutes after that cry or horrible feeling, your child does something. Usually small that not even a non relative would think is special. But it can take my breath away. This song is my anthem. I strive to let my children be little, as well as my students I teach. I don't want them to be mini adults doing everything just right with manners 100% of the time. Let's face it, the stories we tell when they're grown are not the ones about being a perfect little angel. I'm sure Lucas' story about going to the ER for possibly taking pills only to later find that he dumped them in a drawer will be at the top of our story telling list. I enjoy the moments of just seeing him be a child. I enjoy seeing Lilly need me so much. That's the hardest part of seeing your baby grow sooooo fast. They start needing you less and less. But I also enjoy seeing their independence. And that is why moms are crazy. haha. Well here is the video/song. Let it speak to your heart and yes, it'll make you kiss and hold your babies extra tight.

No Commitments

Here is my 2nd attempt at starting a blog. I am making no commitment to keep it updated so that way if I do succeed this time, it will be a pleasant surprise. My last attempt was to keep others updated on my 1st pregnacy and then life with lil Lucas. Well now that another baby (Lilly Belle) has joined our family I want to do it more for just us. More like an online journal that I can look back at and if others want to see what's going on with us then great. I take millions of pictures so this can be a fun way of documenting a fraction of them :) Life is much busier with 2 kiddos so maybe I can remember bits of those days that seem like a big blur. Today we started summer with the combo of a 2 yr old and a water hose.

The last picture is just one our moments that I'm glad to capture. I put the sprayer on the hose bc I was too lazy to walk around the house to turn off the water. I knew Lucas couldn't quite work the sprayer so I thought all was safe. Welp, I was wrong. Somehow when he dropped it, it came on all by itself. So of course big brother aims it at daddy and baby sister. Classic.