Dismissing the Hurt

It's hard to find a starting point when discussing a topic that is difficult for me. I've always had a deep appreciation for genuine people. I often consider myself to be very real & honest, but lately I've seen that maybe that's not so true. Being real doesn't mean you have the freedom to say whatever comes to your mind. The bible states how evil the tongue can be. What being real/genuine means to me is being able to share your faults with others. It means sharing our struggles so that others may help us along. This requires humility and an open heart. I feel like our churches could use some genuine fellowship. It's not painting the perfect Christian picture for others to see. It's about showing the ugly & then giving the glory to God because He is our hope! So here it goes. An attempt for me to share a struggle that is occurring in my life. I'm not sharing this to complain or receive sympathy. I'm sharing so one day when the Lord reveals His purpose, I may yell, "Glory to God!!!"

As some know, I had 2 very difficult pregnancies. It was the most miserable months of my life. I had Cholestasis with Lucas who is now 4 and Tachycardia with Lilly Belle who is now 2. Lucas was induced 3 weeks early to prevent still birth. I was on bed rest with Lilly Belle for 4 weeks and then had to have a C-section to prevent my heart from failing during labor. Those were the serious issues, but I also had horrible sickness throughout. So at the advice of others and myself I had my tubes tied immediately after the birth of Lilly Belle. And although I didn't realize it then, a depression began deep inside. I had failed at doing what a woman was created to do. But instead of sharing this view I became hardened and calloused. I told others that I was glad. I never wanted to be pregnant again. I jokingly said, "2 and threw!" But the truth is I didn't want ANYONE to know that I was hurting so badly. I let this hurt grow into bitterness. I see pregnant women, and I joke that I'm lucky I'm not them. But deep down....I wish I were. Why did I not share my true feelings? Because I know exactly what many will say in hopes of encouraging me. I'm sure you've even thought it yourself.
"You are so blessed to have 2 BEAUTIFUL children. Some can't even have one."
And there it is. My hurt is dismissed. We do this so often to others. What we must realize is that we can't fix someone's hurt. Only God can. But we can pray and show love. I kept Josh from this truth until just this week. I never talked to him about it because I felt he just wouldn't understand.

I bought a prayer journal a few weeks ago that I've called my adoption prayer journal. Josh and I both have a heart to adopt. I've thought about it even before my kids were born. It's through this prayer journal that the Lord is healing me. He's revealing His purpose bit by bit. I'm not meant to be pregnant again. It's not His purpose for me even though my heart wants 4 or 5 kids. But what He's showing me is that I haven't failed. I continue to struggle with hopelessness even in adopting. Living on one income and barely making ends meet doesn't exactly allow us to go adopt a child tomorrow. We must wait on The Lord. We must seek Him so that He receives the glory. We must learn to depend on His Word and His love. Josh & I both know that God has something extraordinary planned for us. We feel it. We want it. We want to go wherever He leads us. It's in this season of waiting that the enemy attacks. He fills me with doubt & worry. I have days where I even feel like I'm not even being a good mom to the 2 I have. How could I have more? But as soon as I ask that question, the Lord reminds me. It's Him who gives me strength. I feel relieved just typing this all out. Even if no one reads this, one day I'll be able to go back and KNOW that the Lord is faithful.