Dismissing the Hurt

It's hard to find a starting point when discussing a topic that is difficult for me. I've always had a deep appreciation for genuine people. I often consider myself to be very real & honest, but lately I've seen that maybe that's not so true. Being real doesn't mean you have the freedom to say whatever comes to your mind. The bible states how evil the tongue can be. What being real/genuine means to me is being able to share your faults with others. It means sharing our struggles so that others may help us along. This requires humility and an open heart. I feel like our churches could use some genuine fellowship. It's not painting the perfect Christian picture for others to see. It's about showing the ugly & then giving the glory to God because He is our hope! So here it goes. An attempt for me to share a struggle that is occurring in my life. I'm not sharing this to complain or receive sympathy. I'm sharing so one day when the Lord reveals His purpose, I may yell, "Glory to God!!!"

As some know, I had 2 very difficult pregnancies. It was the most miserable months of my life. I had Cholestasis with Lucas who is now 4 and Tachycardia with Lilly Belle who is now 2. Lucas was induced 3 weeks early to prevent still birth. I was on bed rest with Lilly Belle for 4 weeks and then had to have a C-section to prevent my heart from failing during labor. Those were the serious issues, but I also had horrible sickness throughout. So at the advice of others and myself I had my tubes tied immediately after the birth of Lilly Belle. And although I didn't realize it then, a depression began deep inside. I had failed at doing what a woman was created to do. But instead of sharing this view I became hardened and calloused. I told others that I was glad. I never wanted to be pregnant again. I jokingly said, "2 and threw!" But the truth is I didn't want ANYONE to know that I was hurting so badly. I let this hurt grow into bitterness. I see pregnant women, and I joke that I'm lucky I'm not them. But deep down....I wish I were. Why did I not share my true feelings? Because I know exactly what many will say in hopes of encouraging me. I'm sure you've even thought it yourself.
"You are so blessed to have 2 BEAUTIFUL children. Some can't even have one."
And there it is. My hurt is dismissed. We do this so often to others. What we must realize is that we can't fix someone's hurt. Only God can. But we can pray and show love. I kept Josh from this truth until just this week. I never talked to him about it because I felt he just wouldn't understand.

I bought a prayer journal a few weeks ago that I've called my adoption prayer journal. Josh and I both have a heart to adopt. I've thought about it even before my kids were born. It's through this prayer journal that the Lord is healing me. He's revealing His purpose bit by bit. I'm not meant to be pregnant again. It's not His purpose for me even though my heart wants 4 or 5 kids. But what He's showing me is that I haven't failed. I continue to struggle with hopelessness even in adopting. Living on one income and barely making ends meet doesn't exactly allow us to go adopt a child tomorrow. We must wait on The Lord. We must seek Him so that He receives the glory. We must learn to depend on His Word and His love. Josh & I both know that God has something extraordinary planned for us. We feel it. We want it. We want to go wherever He leads us. It's in this season of waiting that the enemy attacks. He fills me with doubt & worry. I have days where I even feel like I'm not even being a good mom to the 2 I have. How could I have more? But as soon as I ask that question, the Lord reminds me. It's Him who gives me strength. I feel relieved just typing this all out. Even if no one reads this, one day I'll be able to go back and KNOW that the Lord is faithful.

A season of growth...

Well I've been a stay at home mom for almost 2 months now! The weeks seem to fly by. I can say without a doubt that I have no regrets. I am enjoying this time so much that I'm afraid I'll wake in the morning to see that it's all been a dream. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not constantly wearing an apron with cookies baking in the oven pushing a vacuum cleaner while my kids are coloring a Picasso like picture. I do not put make up on every morning or even shower for that matter. I have accepted the fact that I will ALWAYS have laundry to do. And I do not do yoga after I've had my coffee and read the latest on current events. The dream I'm talking about is being available to my children 100%. I'm here to teach them the ways of the Lord. And in order to do that, I must know those ways. I have been able to spend time in His Word daily, and I have learned there is nothing more precious than that. The Bible is how we can draw closer to our Heavenly Father. I enjoy being in His Word now more than I ever have before. I am learning what it means to find satisfaction in Him. It's a wonderful release to no longer care about the ways of this world (this is however, a constant battle) But to focus on what pleases the Lord instead of man. As fall begins, I find my season in life being as dramatic as the trees around us. It seems like a slow process...the air becomes a little cooler, the leaves slowly begin changing, a few begin to fall. But then you look outside one morning and BAM, the leaves are orange, red, and yellow. You have to dig the jacket out of the closet before going outside and all of sudden, socks are back on your feet. This is where I am...I can feel the slow change, the desire to trust in Him more & more, the craving for His word. And I imagine this is when the Holy Spirit comes to "fill" you up. He falls upon you and BAM, you are changed by His power and ready to give glory to God to fulfill His purpose in you. My prayer is to be able to hear His word, receive it, and make it known to many.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1:8

Just Give Me Jesus

Well it looks like the last time I blogged was about 2 years ago. Which makes perfect sense considering how busy our lives have been. Too busy in fact. We moved down to Little Rock with the hopes of change...Josh found a new job that gave him weekends and holidays off. Can I get a Hallelujah! I found a job that allowed Lucas to go the same school I taught at and therefore, see him during my work day. I loved my students and my coworkers. Lilly Belle was able to stay with my Mother-in-law so I knew she was always being cared for when I was working. It sounds wonderful. But one thing was missing. I was too busy for the one who craved my affection more than any other. I was too busy to spend time in His word. Too busy to ask Him what He wanted me to do. Too busy/exhausted to notice others around me. I was consumed with my world. And forgive me if I offend anyone, but I just don't feel that's how God has called us to live. We are to live for one purpose. And that is to bring glory to Him. I am here to serve him. Josh and I attended a marriage conference in March, and it was there that we both felt the Lord telling us that I had to quit my job. I had felt that for about a year, but it just wasn't possible. Even after the conference, I continued to fight against what my heart was leading me to do. It just didn't make any sense financially and it still doesn't. God somehow opened the door for me to discuss it with my boss and after much prayer and time spent in His Word, we decided to FOLLOW. Jesus says, "Follow Me." 2 Simple words. One HUGE command. There will be much to sacrifice according to the world, but much more to gain in Christ. My title is my biggest desire. You can have the nice cars, the expensive clothes, the newest gadgets...JUST GIVE ME JESUS. I'm starting to blog again (3rd times the charm right?) in hopes to share God's glory in this journey. There will be some tough times ahead, I'm sure of it. But it is in those times God strengthens our faith and draws us closer to Him. There is no greater place to be. Your prayers are much appreciated as we begin this chapter. I have one week left of teaching, and I can feel the anxiety trying to take over. So my prayer is this....In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus. You can have all this world. Just give me Jesus.